It's been to long

Dear Reader,

Life has been a bit crazy. There are days when you wish things were different and there are days when you cannot wait to move on to the next phase in life. No matter what phase in life you are in there is always room for improvement and change. The hard part is when you miss what you had and there is no going back. You know you cannot go back because it was more insane in those days then it is now. What do you do? How do you move forward? The questions begin to mount. Desperation is in your heart, your heart hangs in the balance.

Which way do you turn? What do you do? Do you try to make things right again and return to the insanity? Do you move in a different direction? I choose my sanity even though it means my heart will be destroyed. I have lived in pain for quite some time now. It will be quite a while before I am able to feel for anyone else again.

How do you get around these circumstances? If there is anyone who can answer please let me know. 

Sincerely,
Mark

This is a poem I wrote when I thought there was still a chance for my marriage.

Fallen Angel

 A heart so pure
Driven snow knows nothing of it's purity
No man can ever fully understand
The purest of pure
 
Love from the angels heart is nothing less than sacred
No one can ever deny this love
 
The day came
In the eye of the hurricane
As it passed into the wind and rain
The havok it brought was indescribable

 From heaven she fell
The earth went silent
Birds refused to sing
Her heart broken
Love not the same

 Anger and hostility replaced the beauty that was
Sweet dreams to nightmares in the blink of an eye
Nothing anyone could do to return her to grace
Nothing anyone could do to take her place

 There was no helping her
There was no reason

 The fallen angel had fallen by herself
She knew not what she had done
She knew only that she had fallen
Everyone else was to blame
She never saw how her pain was the pain of every living thing

Tears rolled down her cheek
Despondent though she was
Her eyes still had the fire of amazing love
The only one to see this could not try but to help
He was taken down by her earth shattering grudge
Nothing could be done
Nothing he could ever do to make her feel his love
 
They fell together into a pit so deep
When they finally emerged neither could love
He had taken her heart
She ripped it from his chest leaving that day
 
The nighmare persisted the coldness remained
His heart was broken by the fallen angels game

 Still he persisted extoling his love
The angel grew colder freezing the gates to heaven above

Now this tale is almost done
Now The healing begun
 
The fallen angel still stuck on the ground her wings forgotten
Her heart still bound

 Some day she will open her heart again seeing as only she can
The love she lost the day the hurricane began
 
Her heart may open up again to let the warmpth back in
The poor soul she crushed would do it again
A true and pure love such as this had never been known
her assention to heaven granted as she opened her heart to this pure love again

The Roller Coaster Continues

Dear Reader,

You would think that almost a year after my wife left I would not feel like I had lost everything I cared about in this world. Yet it seems that almost daily I brought to tears by both my daughter and my wife's departure. There is little comfort in this world for the loss of your family. When all you wanted in life was that family. Yes there is still time to build it with someone else, and yet you are breaking everything that is sacred to you. Marriage which you hold sacred is now destroyed. Your beliefs now shattered as the marriage crumbles into the abyss.

You consistently feel the pain that keeps you awake at night. Nothing seems to take away this incessant pain. Some days seem to be fine and then you hit upon those days when you still cannot believe this is happening. This is not a victim issue. This is an issue where everything you want in life is taken away by someone else. You have no control, so you fight in any way you can to gain a little bit of control. The feeling that part of you has been taken away haunts you. At times you wonder if there is a god. You wonder if there is a God. You wonder how this God can be so cruel. Then you realize that it's not God it's our society that makes it far to easy to get a divorce. There should be mandatory counseling prior to a divorce. There should be a period of trying to work things out. Our system is so broken that they would rather take the easy way out as well and take the money. Divorce is not cheap as both you and I know.

Why is it that no one wants to work for anything anymore? Everything I have and I have worked for I appreciate. If I take the easy way out I am only harming myself. So how is it that our society will not realize that we are creating our own demise by making everything easy? How is it that we cannot see the forest for the trees. Yes there are definite reasons for divorce that are valid. If one party is being physically abused, or if there is psychological abuse. If the abuse goes both ways that can be worked out. Both parties can change to make things better. So why do we make it so easy. Is it so that our legal system can take our money for services that are not needed? Why do we allow this? Our society makes it to easy to destroy a family, the time has come to stop this.

Join with me in making a pledge to stop families from being torn apart by a society that makes it far to easy to destroy the most important part of our society. Without a functional family our children grow up not knowing themselves how to have a family. Do we really want this for our future? I know these are tough questions, these questions need answers though to pull our society out of this abysmal pit we are falling into.

Sincerely,
Mark

Today's Thoughts

Dear Readers,

I have become more and more sure of the fact that I do not need someone in my life who will not tell me the truth or who is not willing to work me in life as a partner. My marriage was like that. I put everything I could into it until I was burnt completely and then I kept going for a little longer. These days it is not abnormal for a man to cook and clean and yet after a while it gets to be a bit hard to keep with cooking, cleaning, working and watching our daughter every evening. After about 2 years I was completely spent and could no longer keep up. I will say that the x did start to pull a bit more weight but it was to late and she had not helped in so long that it was hard to see that she was trying.

I will not say that the end of the marriage was completely her fault, but the fact of the matter is that we both had fault in the marriage ending. In any relationship there are always three sides. Each person has their side and then the truth lies somewhere in the middle. Unfortunately until the marriage is over no one really wants to see the truth. The truth is just too much for most people to take. I would love to see the day when people live by their word their word being their bond. I would love to go back 60 years when this thought process was the norm.

Today most people live in a world of technology that does not prove itself to be anything more than a farce and an escape from reality. Unfortunately reality exists whether or not they want to believe it. This is the harsh realization that most people must come to in this day and age. The reality that comes to light often conflicts with what society teaches. Today we are taught that things should come easily. Instant gratification seems to be the the mantra of our society. The most unfortunate part of instant gratification is that it takes away from enjoyment, there is no sense of accomplishment. There is no pride of ownership. Don't get me wrong there are exceptions to the rule but they are few and far between.

My goal today is to be happy for everything I have earned and realize that it all took hard work and nothing came easily. Also that nothing that comes easily ends up meaning all that much to me.

Thanks again for stopping by and reading my blog.

Sincerely,
Mark

How Can I Feel This Way

Dear Reader,

As the days pass and the time between separation and being married goes by it seems that I am still in love with the worst decision of my life. I am not quite sure how that is possible, but it is. I do not know why it happens, but it does. I suppose it could be the longing for something that I cannot have anymore. It could be the hope that the love of my life will wake up one day and want to try again, although I have my doubts that will ever happen.

I do have a friend who understands what my soon to be x is going through. I cannot say for sure that she is right or not, as I am still unable to read minds. I thought I would overcome that at some point in time in my life, and yet no matter how hard I try I am still not able to read minds.

Today like each subsequent day in the past 3 months has been about my daughter. I may still love my x and may have the deepest feelings I have ever had for anyone in my life, but I have to move on and think about the most important person in my life. I love my daughter more than I love my x, in a completely different way. The x is someone I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, on some dark days I still wish for that. Then there is the sanity I have gained since she left. The invaluable piece of mind that has returned to me. It does seem when things are not going right for me I long for the person who gave me the most pain in my life. There have been others in my life that have been able to bring me to an almost unbearable amount of pain, and yet the x can do more than they ever could. It still amazes me how I lived with that kind of pain for so long.

If memory serves: There were times when I wanted to run to other states and change my name it was so bad. Then she would come home and everything seemed wonderful. I suppose when we marry who hope that it will last forever. That our marriage will be different than all the statistics out there. We do all that we can to hold it together. Unfortunately this is a two way street. A street that need to be kept clean on both sides. If one side is dirty then traffic cannot flow, nothing gets done. Each person will blame the other when it is both of their faults.

Here is the kicker, as time passes you realize how bad it was. You also realize that you were the primary care giver for your child. How do you reconcile yourself to not have that connection anymore. Yes you miss the x, but the connection you had with your child has also slipped away because you are no longer the person who is caring for her every day. You know that your child is not being taken care of correctly when she comes to you with greasy hair and has the stomach flu for an amount of time unknown to you because you know that your x cannot tell the truth to save her life. What do you do? The state in which you live is not sympathetic to males in the least bit. The court system thinks that since you are a man you cannot possibly be equipped to deal with raising a child. You have gone down almost every avenue you can think of and yet it does not seem likely that you will get custody of your child. When the x wanted nothing to do with your family unless it is what she wanted to do at the moment. Of course this is when you were together so it has nothing to do with now. I do not believe people change that quickly nor do they somehow become responsible when they were irresponsible before. When your x does not come home so she does not have to help put your daughter to sleep and makes sure to come home after she is asleep. I ask you: Is this a good parent?

This is the place for all men who are in this boat to be. We as a collective have to raise consciousness of this predicament. We have to stand up and shout as one voice touting our ability to be a viable care giver for our children. We have to stop the court from making us come to court 3 times and not have the other party show up and not care that they did not show up because they are women and they can get away with anything. From my understanding of the law. if you did not show up you lost. So how is it that men who show up are not given the same treatment as women? I have a friend who is going through this. His x has not shown up to three court dates and yet she still has majority custody. Ask yourself: Do you want to let that happen to every man. If it were the woman who showed up and the man did not she would win by default. Let's make the rules the same for both sexes. Let's make equal rights equal again.

Sincerely,
Mark

The Reason

Dear  Reader,

I was recently asked to give a reason for writing this blog. There are multiple reasons for this blog. I will try to illustrate a few in this posting.

One of the reasons I am writing this blog is to help others who may be going through the same issues. I know this has been the worst hell I have ever been through in my life and would not wish it on my worst enemy. It would have been nice to have someone to share the pain with and connect with on a level that only someone going through this can connect on. I am not so selfish as to believe that I am the only person who has gone through this, although every situation i unique.

The other main reason I am writing this is give light to the fact that men's rights are a joke. Even if we know we are the better parent and are told by friends and family that it's a shame our children have to grow up with our x because they would be so much better off with us. Then the courts award the child to the mother. Whether she is on drugs or she has mental issues or she just does not care about anything with the exception of the child support money there are reasons why that child should not be with the mother and would be better off with the father. The court refuses to see this based solely on gender. This is where the anger and frustration with our broken system comes in.

Reason number three. If this blog garners enough attention, maybe just maybe I will have a chance to gain custody of my daughter as will all the other men willing to take their children on becoming the full time parent. Is it a challenge to be a full time single parent? My god yes it is. Knowing that you are raising your child with honesty, integrity and a real sense of the world is so invaluable though. Knowing that your child will receive everything they need and more to survive and thrive in this world is priceless as well. To many children are brought up in a world where they receive very little love, very little guidance and some affection, and these things are so important.

Without guidance a child does not have a clear picture of the real world? You cannot reasonably survive in a world you are not acutely aware of. Your semblance or reality is not sufficiently grounded. I have met people who have this issue. From what I have seen it has not benefitted them in any way shape or form. They are always disappointed with life because they assume that they should get or have everything with very little effort. As we all know it takes hard work to obtain what you need in life let alone what you want.  

So if you will help me bring our cause to the world sharing it with everyone you can. Bring our suffering out give us true equality. It is time that we as men fought for our equal right to be parents. I urge you to bring as many people as you can to this blog.

The subsequent posts will be staggered. Some posts will chronicle my experiences coupled with facts that I have uncovered that may help other fathers in this situation. Some posts will be strictly information with a touch of personal opinion. As this BLOG progresses it will also give a father’s view of what is wrong in this world that will affect our children.

I sincerely thank you for reading this blog and hope you come back for more.

Sincerely,

Mark

About Me

Dear Reader,
I know I should have posted this first, the last post was just weighing to heavily on me. So here we go.
I am a 36 year old male from California. I am currently going through a divorce with a woman who I still love but will not work things out with me. I am not mad at her as a person but I do not trust her with our daughter because as I have seen through the years she does not tell or appreciate the truth. Some of the stories she has told me through the years have changed dramatically each time she told them.
You may be asking yourself how can he love someone like that. Answering honestly I cannot explain why or how I still love her but I do. I am not writing this to hurt her in any way shape or form, but I am worried about our three year old daughter and the example she will see living with her mother a majority of the time. I do not want her to grow up thinking that is normal because she sees it from her mother most of the time. There are other issues that I will not discuss in this forum because I cannot prove them. I will only be stating what I know to be the God's honest truth and any research I have to support what I am saying. I will also include links to sites I think are pertinent to this blog.
In the future this blog will not only be about a divorce and what is wrong with our system and the issues I am currently going through but all issues potentially affecting our children in the future. I sincerely hope that you will enjoy reading my blogs as much as I enjoy putting them out there for you. Please if you like what I have to say feel free to share it with anyone you like.
I know that most people do not air their dirty laundry in public, but this is something I need everyone's support with and as I begin to address more issues I hope this brings people together to make the necessary changes to our broken system.
I do not expect to be a huge force for change as I am not as prolific as some of the other bloggers out there. I do hope that what I have to say will help others going through what I am going through and later make people think about our world and what needs to be changed for our children’s sake.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog and I hope you come back again and again to read the current topic I am discussing or to comment on a previous topic, either way please come back again.
Sincerely,
Mark